Many people are shy. Shy folks are not only easily embarrassed, they are also embarrassed by the fact that they are easily embarrassed. They tend to assume that shyness is unattractive, and that it mainly indicates lack of courage or strength. They wish they weren’t shy.
I agree with you, and believe it or not, many extroverts yearn for close friends as well. They accept that they are never going to be truly intimate with the 8,000 people they know or hang out with and cycle through on a weekly basis (I'm exaggerating). How do I know? I am an extrovert magnet. I'm currently married to an extrovert.
There are a lot of claims on this thread saying that people 'defined' as shy are this or that or some god-damned hiccup in the genetic line. This is wholy unjustified. You cannot take a three letter word, which we can't even agree upon the definition, and apply it to everyone coined as such.
Shyness exists, some people may be shy all their life, others maybe not the entire life, an still others not at all. A shy person can be an asshole while another is a saint. They can be great speakers and outspoken or refuse speak or see public at all.
When a person is shy, that shyness is not the only thing that defines them.
Social Anxiety is different from shyness and shyness is different from introversion. Shyness is a personality trait, like boldness. Introversion is a temperament. You can be a bold introvert or a shy one, a bold extrovert or a shy one. Social Anxiety can also affect introverted or extroverted persons.
I am a shy introvert. I do not like to be the center of attention, and would shrink back if I had to give a toast at a wedding or speak off the cuff even in a room of friends. I would be anxious and embarrassed. Another introvert might not be shy about doing either of those things, but just not want to because introverts don't perform well without proper preparation. If I had social anxiety I might have a panic attack if someone asked me to speak off the cuff - I would have a tight chest and possible difficulty breathing or even pass out.
Being shy might work more smoothly for a cute, little woman, but for a guy in particular it is a severe hindrance. Any kind of lack of confidence is not a good thing at all. That's not to say the other extreme, overconfidence, isn't bad either.
I completely disagree with this article. It's patronizing. Okay, so it's trying to see the lighter side of the issue, but it's not realistic. If you would rather side with Denial over Realism, believe this nonsense.
Shy people are far from snobs. In fact, some have inferiority complexes which is why they have anxiety about being more social. To more outgoing people, social, extroverted, normal - how ever you choose to discribe the non shy or non introverted - quietness seems like arrogance because when they don't want to relate to others they are quiet.
Extroverts are always on output mode, they are engaged with the outer world and that's how they experience their reality. It's inconceivable to them that not everyone operates this way. This attitude that quiet individuals think they are better than everyone else because they choose not to engage with every human being that crosses their path is relfective of the attitude that quiet is strange.
Lastly, I just want to say that on the dark side of extroversion collecting acquaintances can have little to do with liking people for who they are and everything to do with using them for what they can offer whether that's simply social stimulation or something more tangible. I learned this lesson in junior high school when a girl hung around me simply to get close to my popular best friend.
I know that I am more shy around people who seem to be judgemental, as I sense this about them. They could be outgoing smiley types, but somehow I still don't feel right about them. My intuition is telling me they are two-faced judgers. As with a friend of my sig other's. She's always the nicest thing, but it turns out she was saying vicious things behind my back! Shytrovert intuition never fails!Well, sometimes...LOL
I've found the opposite - that people who are more selective about their relationships tend to have deeper/longer lasting relationships, and that extroverts often spread themselves thin, making them good people to have at social functions but give the feeling that they aren't quite there in intimate conversations.
Imho many extroverted people often are falsely intimate with others and/or skilled at creating the sense of intimacy but it isn't real. You simply cannot be intimate with scores of people it is impossible. Just like you can't be close friends with scores of people.
That being said, they still show true intimacy possibly faster than a shy person would. Being shy one is often slow to warm up to others. I know that's true of me. But I wouldn't say my extro significant other does not show he is closely to some people than others or that he is incapable of deep meaningful intimacy.
Even extroverts don't tell everything about themselves and hold back some for those who are special to them. You may know a lot about them as an acquaintance, but you're seeing a persona. A public face. Hope this post made sense!
"You would think so, but as with any other property that a significant fraction of the population shares, if the gains were overwhelmed by the costs then shyness would be quickly eliminated from the species."
Constant, how do you explain widespread homosexuality?
It's much easier for a naturally out-going person to convincingly fake natural shyness than for a naturally shy person to convincingly fake a naturally out-going personality. Naturally out-going people have a choice, they can choose to appear shy or they can choose not to, depending on the circumstances. Naturally shy people don't have a choice (at least so they feel). This may seem to suggest that being naturally shy cannot be an advantage. Naturally shy people simply seem to have less of a freedom of choice.
However, lesser freedom of choice can sometimes be a good thing. Being naturally shy may be an advantage in that it tends to prevent you from "wasting your time in clubs" and such. Shyness can thus make you "do the right thing for the wrong reason" (which is said to be the highest form of treason).
Those out-going persons, who have never experienced as deep a bonding with another person as most naturally shy persons have at least once experienced (I'm sure at least some such out-going persons exist), miss out on something, but since they don't think they do, they'll go on being only out-going and never try out the behavior of acting shy. This is the most clear way in which I can see "inevitable" shyness being an advantage to "inevitably shy" people (given that some naturally shy people are indeed inevitably shy). Yet, it seems to me the "inevitability" of these people's shyness is, by itself, not only an illusion, but also mainly a bad thing. A naturally out-going person can be out-going when his wife or girlfriend isn't around, and act shy in her presence, and thereby "reap maximum benefits" from both behaviors. It seems the ideal is to have the knowledge and ability to display shyness whenever this is more advantageous and be out-going whenever this is more advantageous. Perhaps in some areas of life, maximum freedom of choice is worse than lesser ditto, but is this really one of those areas? I would suggest not.
But shy people usually say they regret that people think they're snobs, and that they're really not. Just read the comments so far. Are they wrong about themselves? How do you know?
I'm a 21 yr old depressed, shy introvert with social anxiety, unemployed and little prospects. What would you care to label me?
I agree with you, and believe it or not, many extroverts yearn for close friends as well. They accept that they are never going to be truly intimate with the 8,000 people they know or hang out with and cycle through on a weekly basis (I'm exaggerating). How do I know? I am an extrovert magnet. I'm currently married to an extrovert.
There are a lot of claims on this thread saying that people 'defined' as shy are this or that or some god-damned hiccup in the genetic line. This is wholy unjustified. You cannot take a three letter word, which we can't even agree upon the definition, and apply it to everyone coined as such.
Shyness exists, some people may be shy all their life, others maybe not the entire life, an still others not at all. A shy person can be an asshole while another is a saint. They can be great speakers and outspoken or refuse speak or see public at all.
When a person is shy, that shyness is not the only thing that defines them.
Social Anxiety is different from shyness and shyness is different from introversion. Shyness is a personality trait, like boldness. Introversion is a temperament. You can be a bold introvert or a shy one, a bold extrovert or a shy one. Social Anxiety can also affect introverted or extroverted persons.
I am a shy introvert. I do not like to be the center of attention, and would shrink back if I had to give a toast at a wedding or speak off the cuff even in a room of friends. I would be anxious and embarrassed. Another introvert might not be shy about doing either of those things, but just not want to because introverts don't perform well without proper preparation. If I had social anxiety I might have a panic attack if someone asked me to speak off the cuff - I would have a tight chest and possible difficulty breathing or even pass out.
Wiblin is right. Constant is totally wrong.
Being shy might work more smoothly for a cute, little woman, but for a guy in particular it is a severe hindrance. Any kind of lack of confidence is not a good thing at all. That's not to say the other extreme, overconfidence, isn't bad either.
I completely disagree with this article. It's patronizing. Okay, so it's trying to see the lighter side of the issue, but it's not realistic. If you would rather side with Denial over Realism, believe this nonsense.
Shy people are far from snobs. In fact, some have inferiority complexes which is why they have anxiety about being more social. To more outgoing people, social, extroverted, normal - how ever you choose to discribe the non shy or non introverted - quietness seems like arrogance because when they don't want to relate to others they are quiet.
Extroverts are always on output mode, they are engaged with the outer world and that's how they experience their reality. It's inconceivable to them that not everyone operates this way. This attitude that quiet individuals think they are better than everyone else because they choose not to engage with every human being that crosses their path is relfective of the attitude that quiet is strange.
Lastly, I just want to say that on the dark side of extroversion collecting acquaintances can have little to do with liking people for who they are and everything to do with using them for what they can offer whether that's simply social stimulation or something more tangible. I learned this lesson in junior high school when a girl hung around me simply to get close to my popular best friend.
I know that I am more shy around people who seem to be judgemental, as I sense this about them. They could be outgoing smiley types, but somehow I still don't feel right about them. My intuition is telling me they are two-faced judgers. As with a friend of my sig other's. She's always the nicest thing, but it turns out she was saying vicious things behind my back! Shytrovert intuition never fails!Well, sometimes...LOL
If you want intimate lovemaking, rather than getting laid, go to a shy person.
I've found the opposite - that people who are more selective about their relationships tend to have deeper/longer lasting relationships, and that extroverts often spread themselves thin, making them good people to have at social functions but give the feeling that they aren't quite there in intimate conversations.
Imho many extroverted people often are falsely intimate with others and/or skilled at creating the sense of intimacy but it isn't real. You simply cannot be intimate with scores of people it is impossible. Just like you can't be close friends with scores of people.
That being said, they still show true intimacy possibly faster than a shy person would. Being shy one is often slow to warm up to others. I know that's true of me. But I wouldn't say my extro significant other does not show he is closely to some people than others or that he is incapable of deep meaningful intimacy.
Even extroverts don't tell everything about themselves and hold back some for those who are special to them. You may know a lot about them as an acquaintance, but you're seeing a persona. A public face. Hope this post made sense!
It's refreshing to read something positive about shyness!
But you know some of us are so shy that we can't have a relationship in the first place!
I had to go to Social Anxiety Anonymous support groups to get to where I could start dating.
"You would think so, but as with any other property that a significant fraction of the population shares, if the gains were overwhelmed by the costs then shyness would be quickly eliminated from the species."
Constant, how do you explain widespread homosexuality?
It's much easier for a naturally out-going person to convincingly fake natural shyness than for a naturally shy person to convincingly fake a naturally out-going personality. Naturally out-going people have a choice, they can choose to appear shy or they can choose not to, depending on the circumstances. Naturally shy people don't have a choice (at least so they feel). This may seem to suggest that being naturally shy cannot be an advantage. Naturally shy people simply seem to have less of a freedom of choice.
However, lesser freedom of choice can sometimes be a good thing. Being naturally shy may be an advantage in that it tends to prevent you from "wasting your time in clubs" and such. Shyness can thus make you "do the right thing for the wrong reason" (which is said to be the highest form of treason).
Those out-going persons, who have never experienced as deep a bonding with another person as most naturally shy persons have at least once experienced (I'm sure at least some such out-going persons exist), miss out on something, but since they don't think they do, they'll go on being only out-going and never try out the behavior of acting shy. This is the most clear way in which I can see "inevitable" shyness being an advantage to "inevitably shy" people (given that some naturally shy people are indeed inevitably shy). Yet, it seems to me the "inevitability" of these people's shyness is, by itself, not only an illusion, but also mainly a bad thing. A naturally out-going person can be out-going when his wife or girlfriend isn't around, and act shy in her presence, and thereby "reap maximum benefits" from both behaviors. It seems the ideal is to have the knowledge and ability to display shyness whenever this is more advantageous and be out-going whenever this is more advantageous. Perhaps in some areas of life, maximum freedom of choice is worse than lesser ditto, but is this really one of those areas? I would suggest not.
if you don't want to get laid, be shy.
subjectivity central right here
But shy people usually say they regret that people think they're snobs, and that they're really not. Just read the comments so far. Are they wrong about themselves? How do you know?