“No one on their deathbed ever wished they had spent more time in the office,” the saying goes. … I have my doubts. (more) Ben Casnocha likes palliative care worker Bronnie Ware’s “top regrets … from her patients on their death beds” (HT Tyler):
I'm also curious about the idea in your original article that people's bitterness made them ill. It does't go into detail, but what do you mean by ill? Localised illness, like stress, or 'big' illness, like cancer etc? If you meant the latter -- how do you know? How can you tell?
Hi Bonnie,Thanks for clarifying. Out of curiosity, if the book you're writing isn't free, will any percentage of profits go to any charity or body other than yourself?
In brief, my previous comment addressed the willingness of people to share their regrets with me. They were never pushed to do so and it was not a topic that was shared with all patients. It was simply something that came out of them naturally as our relationships developed, since they had someone sitting there listening to whatever they wished to share. What made my experiences different to your wife's, for example, is that I worked one-on-one with dying people in their homes, not in a busy hospice. So the relationships formed between us were entirely different. I was with people twelve hours a day, at least five days per week, sometimes more, for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. Other than family dropping in to spend time with them, it was usually just the patient and myself. Hence their willingness and more importantly, their DESIRE to share their philosophies and regrets with me. A full-length book is being released later in 2011 which may answer other questions raised here. Thanks for the opportunity to contribute.
As the author of this article, I find it interesting that you have deleted my previous comment, simply because I explained the article in more detail and addressed the misunderstandings you spoke of in your own article. If you are truly into overcoming bias, then perhaps you would have left he original, detailed, and heart-felt comment here for all viewers to read. You are welcome to debate it all as much as you wish. It makes no difference to the authenticity of my experiences, nor to the words shared with me by dying people. The fact that people have called me a doctor or other things on the Internet is out of my control. Such is the Internet.
The Bronnie Ware piece has been around since at least August 2010, but appears now to be gaining ground exponentially via internet blogs. The strange thing is that at no point has anyone really bothered to find out if the any of it is true - is it completely true, partially true, slightly embellished anecdotal observation, or just a story from someone who describes herself as a storyteller? When you look at the accompanying biog - 'nomadic lifestyle', song-writing, speaker etc. - it doesn't quite tie in with the 'many years' spent in palliative care. In the re-telling of the piece, she is a nurse, but there's no evidence of her actually being a qualified nurse; in one blog, she's become a doctor; and on her Facebook page, somebody thanks her for her 'research', but it's not really research is it? If it's true, then I owe her an apology, but I suspect it's all just a story. Wait for the book to be published (soon I gather).
Number 4 is also a boast in disguise: I wish I had stayed in touch with the small town losers I grew up with, but instead I became a big shot who wasn't able to pal around with the little people any more. It's lonely at the top. Etc.
Regret #4 is the only one that strikes me as being remotely honest. The rest are New Age drivel, but it is easy to believe that someone dying, and probably in pain, wishes that they had more friends.
When did you hear of someone wishing that they had fewer friends?
I was following up on a thread where Tyler discusses Danish Film Director Lars Von Trier and on his wiki was this:
In 1989, von Trier's mother revealed on her deathbed that the man who he thought was his father was not, and that she had had a tryst with her former employer, a man named Fritz Michael Hartmann (1909–2000), who descended from a long line of Roman Catholic classical musicians, in order to give her son "artistic genes".
"Until that point I thought I had a Jewish background. But I'm really more of a Nazi. I believe that my biological father's German family went back two further generations. Before she died, my mother told me to be happy that I was the son of this other man. She said my foster father had had no goals and no strength. But he was a loving man. And I was very sad about this revelation. And you then feel manipulated when you really do turn out to be creative. If I'd known that my mother had this plan, I would have become something else. I would have shown her. The slut!"
#########Another con for the Death Bed confessionals and regrets :)
Also, the second sentence of the article indicates that the author's patients are those, "who had gone home to die." And that she spent 3-12 weeks at a time with them. This would, to me, indicate that the people the author interacted with were fairly lucid.
I think it's awesome that Bronnie showed up here!
I'm also curious about the idea in your original article that people's bitterness made them ill. It does't go into detail, but what do you mean by ill? Localised illness, like stress, or 'big' illness, like cancer etc? If you meant the latter -- how do you know? How can you tell?
Hi Bonnie,Thanks for clarifying. Out of curiosity, if the book you're writing isn't free, will any percentage of profits go to any charity or body other than yourself?
In brief, my previous comment addressed the willingness of people to share their regrets with me. They were never pushed to do so and it was not a topic that was shared with all patients. It was simply something that came out of them naturally as our relationships developed, since they had someone sitting there listening to whatever they wished to share. What made my experiences different to your wife's, for example, is that I worked one-on-one with dying people in their homes, not in a busy hospice. So the relationships formed between us were entirely different. I was with people twelve hours a day, at least five days per week, sometimes more, for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. Other than family dropping in to spend time with them, it was usually just the patient and myself. Hence their willingness and more importantly, their DESIRE to share their philosophies and regrets with me. A full-length book is being released later in 2011 which may answer other questions raised here. Thanks for the opportunity to contribute.
I'd be very much interested in you reposting your comment. If it was too long or unpleasant to do so, I'd of course understand.
I don't recall deleting a comment here. Perhaps it went over the word limit or had links that triggered the spam filter?
As the author of this article, I find it interesting that you have deleted my previous comment, simply because I explained the article in more detail and addressed the misunderstandings you spoke of in your own article. If you are truly into overcoming bias, then perhaps you would have left he original, detailed, and heart-felt comment here for all viewers to read. You are welcome to debate it all as much as you wish. It makes no difference to the authenticity of my experiences, nor to the words shared with me by dying people. The fact that people have called me a doctor or other things on the Internet is out of my control. Such is the Internet.
The Bronnie Ware piece has been around since at least August 2010, but appears now to be gaining ground exponentially via internet blogs. The strange thing is that at no point has anyone really bothered to find out if the any of it is true - is it completely true, partially true, slightly embellished anecdotal observation, or just a story from someone who describes herself as a storyteller? When you look at the accompanying biog - 'nomadic lifestyle', song-writing, speaker etc. - it doesn't quite tie in with the 'many years' spent in palliative care. In the re-telling of the piece, she is a nurse, but there's no evidence of her actually being a qualified nurse; in one blog, she's become a doctor; and on her Facebook page, somebody thanks her for her 'research', but it's not really research is it? If it's true, then I owe her an apology, but I suspect it's all just a story. Wait for the book to be published (soon I gather).
It's not that weird. You get curious, try some weaker opiates go cruse the hot spots in the city.
"I wish I'd had a lower future time orientation."
I can feel that way myself, even though I expect I have plenty of time left. Perhaps this is better known as the mid-life crisis.
Number 4 is also a boast in disguise: I wish I had stayed in touch with the small town losers I grew up with, but instead I became a big shot who wasn't able to pal around with the little people any more. It's lonely at the top. Etc.
How'd you get started taking heroin? If you don't mind.
Regret #4 is the only one that strikes me as being remotely honest. The rest are New Age drivel, but it is easy to believe that someone dying, and probably in pain, wishes that they had more friends.
When did you hear of someone wishing that they had fewer friends?
I was following up on a thread where Tyler discusses Danish Film Director Lars Von Trier and on his wiki was this:
In 1989, von Trier's mother revealed on her deathbed that the man who he thought was his father was not, and that she had had a tryst with her former employer, a man named Fritz Michael Hartmann (1909–2000), who descended from a long line of Roman Catholic classical musicians, in order to give her son "artistic genes".
"Until that point I thought I had a Jewish background. But I'm really more of a Nazi. I believe that my biological father's German family went back two further generations. Before she died, my mother told me to be happy that I was the son of this other man. She said my foster father had had no goals and no strength. But he was a loving man. And I was very sad about this revelation. And you then feel manipulated when you really do turn out to be creative. If I'd known that my mother had this plan, I would have become something else. I would have shown her. The slut!"
#########Another con for the Death Bed confessionals and regrets :)
That reminds of the Kubler-Ross' 5 Stages of Dying - plenty of studies haven't found such stages.
Also, the second sentence of the article indicates that the author's patients are those, "who had gone home to die." And that she spent 3-12 weeks at a time with them. This would, to me, indicate that the people the author interacted with were fairly lucid.