Comments on: How Honest With Kids?

By: Ken Houghton

Ken Houghton — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:29:52 +0000

I would tell my kids everything I did, but there would be a long, deadly silence after the first thirty seconds.

Is anyone else thinking about the old Loving Spoonful song, “Younger Generation”? (Something like “Meet my girl friend/She’s only three/She has her own videophone and is taking LSD”?)

By: Brandon Low

Brandon Low — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 07:12:46 +0000

I’m in the 100% honest camp. I don’t hide things from anyone I care about, so why on earth would I hide them from those that I care about most?

Note: not a parent yet.

There is something to be said for age appropriate revelations, but once a child is old enough to ask a question, I strongly believe that it’s right to give them a full and honest answer to that question.

By: David Friedman

David Friedman — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:02:59 +0000

So far as I know, my parents never lied to me, and I try to follow the same policy. On the other hand, I don’t believe my children are entitled to be told everything about my life or actions, just as I don’t think other people are. There is a considerable difference between saying things that are untrue and failing to say some things that are true, and that’s where I generally draw the line both for children and for adults.

Off hand, I can not think of any information I have withheld from my children for fear that they might take my past as a license for their future–for one thing, I feel free to concede my faults and advise them not to imitate them. But I do think I am entitled to privacy. If one of my children knocks at the bedroom door, for instance, when my wife and I are making love, I don’t think I have any obligation to make it clear just why I’m not immediately available.

By: poke

poke — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 18:02:33 +0000

My parents told me all the stuff they used to do. I don’t think it altered my choices much. I certainly didn’t take it as tacit permission to try it.

By: Psy-Kosh

Psy-Kosh — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 17:41:41 +0000

Not to mention the whole thing about teaching kids “don’t lie don’t lie don’t lie, you lied to me you’re grounded” yada yada yada, but then turning around as soon as it’s a tad uncomfortable to tell the truth and lying to them without even thinking.

ie, there does, to me, seem to also be a basic question of fairness/ethics here.

Interestingly enough, while I’m not a parent, more than one parent, when I’ve pointed this out to them, did seem to agree, do a “oh yeah…” sort of thing. Suggesting that the habitual lies above don’t even necessarally stem from deep consideration of the issue so much as the lies being easy, and them not even taking the to think about it.

Michael: Yes, I’m familiar with that, but I don’t really buy it. Besides, on the Disc, believing in false things can actually, directly, make them true. So the situation is a tad different…

By: Scott Hughes

Scott Hughes — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 16:53:59 +0000

I think the more honest, the better. I think kids will respond better to an honest explanation of how the parent learned from the mistakes the parent made and why the parent believes the kid does not want to do the same. I believe the kids will respond better to that than to some blanket command not to do something sandwiched between lies.

By: Gordon Worley

Gordon Worley — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 13:19:42 +0000

I think that some of the problems children have are because they feel they cannot live up to their parents’ and other adults’ ideals. They think, “look at how kind, responsible, self-sacrificing, etc. my parents are. Why am I not like that?”. Of course, their parents are really so perfect, but they don’t let their kids see it. In my opinion, a better lesson is to show your kids that everyone has their faults, but you try to overcome them to do something better, but you will fail sometimes and that’s okay so long as you keep trying to be better.

As for the age at which to be honest with them, I think that will naturally fall in the pre-teen years. Up until then most children, even when they get mad with their parents, still idealize them naturally, so I don’t think it would be appropriate to reveal too much too young since they might get the wrong model.

By: Michael

Michael — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 12:08:24 +0000

You could view lying to kids about your past as another way to give them ideals to live up to.

I just finished watching the movie Hogfather, based on the Terry Pratchett book. There’s a speech at the end (by Death) that’s semi-appropriate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4oxrTSRkC0

As with all the clips I encode, the volume it too low. Turn it up.