Comments on: Why are there No Comforting Words that Aren’t also Factual Statements?

By: Lily

Lily — Wed, 09 Mar 2011 15:02:09 +0000

For some reason me and my friends comfort each other with completely meaningless phrases, which generally consist of double words, such as “there, there”, “come, come” and “now, now”. Patting hair/hand is optional.

I don’t know why that happens, or why it works.

By: Riz Hassan

Riz Hassan — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 19:26:24 +0000

What’s wrong with just saying “I’m here for you”? An expression of solidarity to comfort the individual without reference to the unkown future outcome?

By: Rafe Furst

Rafe Furst — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 15:33:03 +0000

I did a quick search through this thread for the words, “Communication”, “Style”, “Mars”, “Venus”, “Woman”, “Women”, “Female” to see if anyone mentioned the different communication styles between the sexes and indeed the different reasons men and women communicate one on one. Interestingly, not one of the above words appeared in the thread up to this point. The absence of the last three are quite telling.

By: TGGP

TGGP — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 20:28:45 +0000

Speaking of atheists saying OMG, when I was a kid my dad would very frequently utter “Judas Priest!” as a substitute for “Good grief!”. When I asked him about the phrase he told me it was the name of a heavy metal band. It seems most likely to me now that the phrase was common before the band formed, but it still seems odd for someone who was listening to Crosby, Sinatra and the Statler Brothers when his peers were hip to that far-out Hendrix fella and probably could not name a single Judas Priest song.

By: Tom Crispin

Tom Crispin — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 17:52:02 +0000

Factual statements are comforting in the sense that they provide solutions; persons injured or sad are functioning with reduced competence perceptually and cognitively. Before he lost that high-paid technical job in Oregon, he didn’t consider relocating. Without a gentle nudge of the obvious, he still may not.

“Yeah, the tech job market sucks here in Oregon, but they’re hiring in Texas” really does help but the equally true “You’ll eventually get a job” does not.

So maybe a factual statement is comforting proportionally to the amount of useful information it delivers?

By: Nick

Nick — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 11:28:56 +0000

I disagree with the premise. I think there are factual statements that can help people to feel better. It’s important to remember that in times of trouble people are grappling with the emotional fallout of whatever event befell them. Consequently talking about the emotions can be particularly comforting. Consider the example exchange below:

A: “I just found out I’ve lost my job and I’m really pissed!”
B: “Wow, that sucks. I can/cannot imagine how that must feel” (depending upon whether B has lost a job before)
A: “Yeah, it REALLY sucks. I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
B: “That would make me angry too. I think I’d also be frightened at the prospect of not having an income and be worried about how I was going to make ends meet.”
A: “yeah, exactly”
B: “Ya know I can always lend you some money to help you get by if things get tight”
A: “thanks, I appreciate that”
B: “I can also imagine that my ego would feel bruised too; a lot of people, well, at least some, define themselves in large part by the work they do. So, to be let go from a job probably reflects somewhat on your identity; on your sense of self-worth”
A: “Yeah, you’re right; it’s really depressing; I feel ‘unwanted’; kind of ‘useless’ in way”
B: “i think that’s probably normal under these circumstances. At the same time I know you to be a very bright, resourceful person and I’m confident you’ll find a new job that you enjoy as much, if not more than this one. If nothing else you get to explore some career options that you may not have considered before…”

This is an abbreviated version of how the exchange would actually go. The arc is basically:
- Acknowledge the first order emotions (“i’d be angry too”)
- Help explore some other, 2nd order, emotions that might be below the surface but fertilizing the first order emotions (worry about making ends meet; deflated self-worth);
- Offer help (“i can always lend you money”)
- Bring perspective/objectivity (I know you to be a resourceful, intelligent person…)

The dialogue focuses exclusively on acknowledging the person’s emotions and is also factual because the emotions ARE real. I think the fact that people find comfort in this speaks to our innate desire to connect with others; to be part of a group/community (even, in this case, if it’s only a community of two).

By: Rob Spear

Rob Spear — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 08:34:17 +0000

God is representative of the moral structure of the universe – what people “should” do with their lives. If you fell that “overcoming bias” is a worthwhile activity, then another way of expressing that is to say that “God wants you to overcome bias”. If you read beyond kindergarten theology, you will realize that the idea that God is a beardy man in the sky is not an actual part of the Judeo-Christian world view. Saying “Oh my God” is therefore invoking your moral beliefs, whereas “Oh my Sauron” just shows you’ve read too much Tolkein.

By: Eliezer Yudkowsky

Eliezer Yudkowsky — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 22:24:46 +0000

Doug, it ain’t just Jehovah who’s the problem.

By: Doug S.

Doug S. — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 21:41:33 +0000

If you have a problem with “Oh my God!” just leave the g uncapitalized and decide that it refers to some god other than the “God” of the Old Testament. Perhaps Zeus, Odin, or Ahura Mazda is a deity more to your liking?

By: Eliezer Yudkowsky

Eliezer Yudkowsky — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 18:46:55 +0000

I find this, and a range of similar problems, excruciatingly annoying. I haven’t even been able to train myself to stop saying “Oh my God!” – an expression that, in the context of the fictional source material, ought properly to carry the same connotations as “Oh my Sauron!” – because I haven’t been able to find an alternative phrase that expresses the same sentiment.

I also despise the question “Hi! How are you doing?” because it’s almost impossible to respond politely without lying. I usually respond just “Oh, hello!” or, if permitted, “The usual.”

English seems to be a language built to force you to lie, and I suspect this property is universal or nearly so among languages.